A Public Diary

It’s been hard, figuring out what to write on this blog.  I can’t think of anything to say; or, more accurately, I can think of so many things to say I have no idea what to say first.  I don’t know what I want out of doing this: writing all these posts.  All I know is that I want to speak candidly about the feelings I’ve been having.  All these things going through my head; I know so many other people must be feeling the same ways and yet I feel so alone.  My brain keeps telling me: “you are the only one who feels this way”, “you are the only one who has this many problems”, “no one has as many issues as you do”, “why are you so weak?”, “why can’t you do anything?”  And it does often feel like I can’t do anything.  I don’t know why, and yet I do know why.  Objectively, I know what causes the problems I have.  I’m trans: my body and my brain don’t match with what society and myself think a man should be.  I have anxiety: an overactive amygdala causes the fight or flight response to start up at inappropriate times; my rational brain is startled by this and starts panicking.  I know the science and the philosophy. I’ve read and researched and gone to see doctors.  None of that will stop the irrational thoughts though, or the doubt.  I think it has helped.  I’m not as paranoid as I used to be, nor as self-hating.  However, the thoughts still exist and they come whenever I am silent or still. I fall asleep with YouTube playing; I listen to music when I walk.  Never, ever, ever do I let myself be in silence because, when I do, the bad thoughts come.  “Kill yourself, it’s easier”, “you’re so annoying”, “people don’t like you”; plus all the bad memories that come flooding back.  And believe it or not, yes, this is an improvement.  I no longer seriously contemplate suicide or cry myself to sleep, and the panic attacks come monthly not daily.  I’ve come so far, so why do I feel so weak?  It’s because I still can’t watch movies, read stories, or see plays without fighting my anxiety/ having an attack.  It’s because I’ll be minding my own business and dysphoria will hit me like a truck.  I can’t do anything.  How many issues can one person have? Am I the only one who feels this way; I can’t be, right?  I don’t know.  I do know one thing though, I’ll never stop pushing and trying to learn, because the more I learn, the less I fear.  That’s what I want out of these posts.  I’ve figured it out, just while writing this.  I want to learn about my issues; learn why I am the way I am.  And I want to learn about other people’s issues, and find out if they’re anything like mine.  That’s the reason.  A public diary.