Today’s post is a transgender one. I’m feeling quite dysphoric today and if you don’t know what that is I’ll explain. Transgender is a state of being; it is simply what one is and is not in any way a disorder or medical condition. It can, however, have medical conditions that tend to go along with it. One such condition is dysphoria: the feeling that your body is inherently wrong. It is an all consuming feeling; when it hits me, it’s like there’s nothing else I can think about. That’s what I feel today.
Dysphoria can be different things for different people. For me it’s mainly the hatred of my boobs. They don’t belong on my body and I’d give just about anything to never see them again. No amount of binding will hide them enough because I have DD cups; I can always see them out of the corner of my eyes. It just feels like there’s no way to ignore them and I hate them so much it kills me. I really want top surgery, but it’s very expensive. My dad is helping me pay for my treatments, but he wants me to wait til after undergrad to have that one, which is painfully hard. I’m also worried because I’ll be starting testosterone soon which will eventually make me look far more masculine. This makes me afraid because I know I can never fully hide my boobs and I don’t want to be the subject of transphobic harassment after people can visibly see I’m trans.
But it’s not just the physical that bothers me either. I wonder if I will ever find love as a trans man. It’s been many years since I had a relationship and, I don’t often talk about it, but I am lonely. I’m afraid to talk to people I’m attracted to because I worry they will reject me for being trans. I use online sites, but things like that just usually fall through. I’m not very focused on relationships in my life so it’s only quite recently that I started actively pursuing finding one after the lonelyness became a bit too much to bare. There’s actually a person now in my microbiology class I have a crush on, I recently learned their name, but I’m really scared to ask them to hang out with me, especially in a date sort of way. I don’t really know what to do about it because I know I’ll hate myself if I never try and yet fear holds me back.
Anyways, this really just a venting post about how frusterating dysphoria can be. There are so many unknowns in the future and being patient gets harder and harder. Will I be alone forever? How will testosterone make me feel? When will I be able to get top surgery? Will my family ever stop calling me by my dead name? I don’t know; only time will tell.