Angry and Visible

Ah blank page, how I’ve been putting off dealing with you.  It is time however.  Here is one of two blog posts I’ve been planning and putting off.  The other one will come today or tomorrow depending on homework and how lazy I am.  This one is a post where I would like to candidly discuss gender, femininity, and the way I see myself.  First of all, if anyone isn’t on the same page as me, I am a boy.  I’m a boy with a curvy figure and DD boobs that I only dislike some of the time to be honest.  In fact, I don’t mind my curves at all.  I like to show off my curves sometimes and I like women’s clothes and makeup.  I’m still a boy though.  I’m masculine and macho; a manly, delicate flower boy, if you will.  That’s how I see myself.  I haven’t given too much thought to the way others see me in the past, both because I’m too busy to worry about that shit and because I stopped caring what other people thought a while ago.  Now, with testosterone looming ever closer, it’s on my mind.  I’m still going to have DD boobs, but the rest of me is going to change; my face will start to look masculine, my body type will change, and chances are I’ll grow facial hair.  Binders only hide so much when your chest is this big and I’m pretty sure I’m going to look like a pretty obvious tranny for a long while.  Why do I phrase it like that? Cuz that’s how a lot of people are going to think of me.  There’s an idea out there that you have to look cisgender and if you don’t there’s something wrong with you.  It’s a stupid idea.  The more I think about it, the more I’m sure it’s stupid.  What’s wrong with me looking like an obvious tranny?! I am one dammit! It sucks that, in this world, looking like who you are can get you in trouble.  I’m lucky to be in a situation that I can question what’s wrong with me looking trans.  For far too many the answer is obvious: it’s dangerous.  See now, this post is already going off the rails.  I did not expect this to be the direction I would go in.  This is part of it all though.  If I am to learn, I must be open to dialogue, and if I am to start dialog, I can’t ignore the reality of my thoughts or the reality of the world.  Anyways, I apologize for that tangent.  I have the privilege of having the option to be visible.  Not everyone has that, unfortunately.  To answer my own question from earlier, there’s nothing wrong with presenting openly as trans.  It can come with consequences, unfair consequences that are worse for some than for others.  The fact that is the reality is what is wrong and stupid.  I have that option because I’m lucky.  If you can be visible I think you should, for those who can’t.  Be loud for those who are silent and proud for people with worn down spirits. At the end of the day I am not man, woman, trans, or cis: I am just me.  Why should I be afraid to be myself and do what feels right?  Don’t I owe it to my community take advantage of that and use it to be an advocate?  That’s just how I feel.  If I’m wrong about any of this, please, please tell me.  I want to talk to you, I want to learn.




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